Yeah…yeah…yeah, I saw her belly at the Spirit Awards but I still say Angelina finally ate a big steak and cheese sub. Either that or she hid Jennifer Aniston in there out of charity to bring her closer to Brad.
After all, I have been congratulated at least fifteen times for being pregnant and I wasn’t!
Look people. Don’t ever congratulate someone on their belly or make any pregnancy related comments or rumors unless you are 100% sure there is a baby on board. If you break this rule you are just asking for trouble. Expect bowling balls up your wazoo, black eyes, ruptured pelvises, bloody noses and dislocated shoulders. This is just a major faux-pas in my book. I carry brass knuckles, pepper spray and my dog’s electric fence collar for people like you.
After the birth of my first child Evan, I made my first post pregnancy appearance. This blue collar mom didn’t get a chance to do it on Ellen like Christine Aguilera. I made my hot debut at…Stop & Shop. I got dressed to the nines in a shiny little pair of silky pants, underwear the size of pita breads and a sultry little red top. I was nursing and udderly proud of my ample breasts. I carefully applied my makeup, slipped on my Payless heels and ventured out to flaunt my post-pregnancy figure. When I arrived at the grocery store, I immediately noticed all heads turning in my direction. In fact, they were gawking! My confidence was immediately boosted. I pretended the aisles were the catwalk, and deliberately toppled over the oranges to bend over and show off my cute pita clad butt. With all the stares I was getting, you would have thought I was Angelina.
I approached the checkout ready to make my grande exit. The cashier was looking at me in amazement. I thought she was impressed I was out and about so soon after delivery. Then she said in sheer shock “You haven’t had that baby yet”! Insert the following sound effects: cat screeching, dishes breaking, gun shots and a Psycho movie scream...plus another cat screech. When I returned home, my mother looked at me disgusted and said “You went out looking like that”? I looked down and noticed I forgot to put in my nursing pads and had circular shaped breast milk stains where my nipples were. More sounds effects please. Better yet, bring in the sound effects guy from Bourne Ultimatum. He won an Oscar.
Once I complained of a backache while picking up my littlest Aidan at pre-school. One of the other mothers said ”Baby resting on a nerve”? I replied through clenched teeth, “What baby”? She responded by telling me it was so obvious I was at least five months along and backache is common during the SECOND trimester”...ouuuuch. The ambulance arrived shortly after to haul her away. I felt like Hillary Swank in Million Dollar Baby. No pun intended.
I admit it, I have a fat lower ab, it droops, there are stretch marks that could span US 1 and there is nothing I can do about it. After two kids and years of yo-yo dieting, this is what blue collar moms look like. I can’t afford the tummy tuck. Instead, I go for the girdle. The more metal pins securing the thing the better. When I was dating my first husband he took me to New York to see Les Miserables. God that Broadway was so symbolic of our three and a half year relationship.
My girdle’s metal pins set off the alarms at Logan Airport and I was groped by security in the midsection for hours. The ribbing in the girdle felt like I was packing drugs so I was strip searched. It was the best action I had had in ages. Those silly men and their big bad batons…still brings back a little chuckle…even after all these years.
Why should Angelina have to formally announce she’s pregnant? I tried that once and it was a flop. I hired a press secretary (my daschund Jackson), faxed press releases and held the big event on Beacon Hill. Gotta love Fox for graciously covering it. However, they mistook my message for an animal pro-life movement and aired it on the noon news. Jackson must have made a few typos on the press release with his paws…damn that dog!
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