Blue Collar Mom's Top Ten Recession Solutions

Hey George...so nice of you to mail our rebate checks early...I feel like one of Pavlov's dogs that just received a treat. Only the treat is merely a miniscule snack in a current life of starvation....and I'm not salivating.

BUT, this blue collar mom is going to remain optimistic. I've devised several strategies to beat the recession. C'mon...turns those frowns upside down people...we'll get through this with a little medication, booze and blue collar mom creativity...

1. Turn off the heat and use blow dryers to wake up the frozen kids, hubby and pets. Go for a low watt cheapie at CVS. The blow dryer can also double as a crude microwave in a pinch.

2. If rice can be rationed, why not ration toilet paper. Number 1's get one square, Number 2's get, well, naturally two squares. My brother was in the military and told me how to creatively make a small amount work for even your worst output.

3. Go in on some livestock with the neighbors. That's right...invest in a cow, a pig, couple chickens....sounds like fun doesn't it? Take turns feeding the poor things and once they get good and fat....bon appetit!

4. Create a community youth hostile...turn a neighbor's barn into housing for the local kids...no electricity because they'll waste it anyway...make em use the great outdoors as the bathroom to save on septic pumps, and force them to grow and cook their own food...kind of like backyard Kid Nation...

5. Say goodbye to the playdates...this gas guzzling ritual always leaves one parent doing all the driving...

6. Speaking of gas...just don't drive....let's all just put up a stance and stay the hell home. No work...gas saved. No grocery store because we have the kids growing produce and grown ups raising livestock...gas saved. Can you imagine the panic we would create?...and how much fun we would all have??? For once, we'd know who the heck lives next door to us and what their good, bad and ugly sides look like...free entertainment...no need for cable now.

7. Go naked in the summer. Why fall victim to fashion week's trends? Just waltz your butt around in your birthday suit....believe me...this would prompt Washington to dole us out some serious cash.

8. Feign illness. Seeing as we all have to have health insurance, let's make use of it. Be sure to create an illness that requires hospitalization. Before you call the ambulance, turn off the circuit breaker in your house to save electricity and kill the heat. Always report pain at a 10 to prolong the stay...extra time is money saved, the food is free and you'll have people waiting on you plus free meds. (am writing from my hospital bed now...bad case of dysentery from my missionary work)

9. Try out for game shows...someone's gotta win and they fly you out for free. I wanna be on the Price is Right with Drew Carey...

10. Start a recession themed phone sex business....oh yeah...tell me how poor you are...mmmm...you really are broke....soooooo broke......you make me feel so poor....so needy.....oh my god I am so broke! I am so close to foreclosure....so close.....almost there.....yes...yes...yes....I've foreclosed!!!